At times, it is very difficult for me to express myself while speaking. The words are there in my head, and it makes sense to me, but then I say it to someone else and it turns into something completely different from the original thought in my head.
This happened tonight -- just minutes ago, actually. I was trying to express an honest feeling of mine, and it was taken as being a selfish thing -- which is not was I was trying to share.
So, I guess rather than be vague and pointless, I will share my feelings, because I need an outlet for them right now.
I miss being a part of a couple. Yes, Justin and I are still boyfriend and girlfriend, but with him being far away in California, and being a missionary, being a "couple" is kind of difficult. We don't go on dates, and he isn't here -- which honestly sucks. Having a married sister, and a brother who is also in a relationship, I feel a little out of the loop because I can't do couple things with them. I still have really great relationships with my siblings (in fact, Marni and I have become closer since she got married), but I still feel left out of some things now because my other half is gone for another eleven (and a half) months. Does that make sense? I'm just feeling a little on the outs tonight and wishing that my man were here to hang out with me tonight.
But, let me end by saying that I am happy with my life. I love my family, and am so, so blessed to have the good friendships that I have with them. I know that it is my choices that led me to where I am today, and I take full responsibility for that, realizing that by choosing this path, I will receive greater blessings in the (near) future. I know this. But, I am still prone to these feelings. Anyhow, that's my two cents for the evening.
Goodnight.
xo
4 comments:
I don't think your being selfish at all, Kristi. It is NOT easy to be "alone", especially when you have a guy. I know that you have great friends and family, but they simply can't fill the void that you feel. I think that's why so many girls simply don't make it to the end. Your stronger then them (and me, haha) .... but that doesn't make you immune to feeling crappy once in a while. The strong lonely feeling will come and go, just remember that your a strong girl to :) You can do it!
everyone has down days, and you're dealing with it fabulously, cause that's what you are! Hang in there, it really is but a small moment. Keep busy, have fun and it'll be next year in no time :D
I think for some people it's hard to remember that they are people first and not "a couple" Does that make sense??? For example, I had the opposite problem when I was first married. All my friends I hung out with before kind of forgot about me when I got married because I was married. Even though some of the activities were just girls (girls night out) I was not included. I felt like "just because I'm married doesn't mean I don't like to go out with my girlfriends every once in a while". Maybe hanging out as couples isn't the most beneficial thing to do with your siblings every time you're with either or both of them. Maybe you just need to hang out as siblings every so often so you don't feel like you're being left out. Once Justing gets home and you're a "real" (that's not meant to be negative) couple then it will be twice as fun.
Not everyone is as special as you in being able to endure this long. A love like that is so rare and trust me, it will be sooooo worth it in the end. Just keep the faith and ask the Lord to bless you with peace knowing that it will be worth it. You are amazing and just keep telling yourself that it's going to be okay...because IT IS! lol
Of course you're entitled to feeling like that. Everyone makes choices that cause them to have feelings, and the right choice is almost always not the easiest. I know you'll do it Kristi. You're so strong and have an eternal perspective. That's more important than anything.
xo
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